I am in one of those quiet seasons of life right now. One of those times when nothing particularly thrilling is going on, but nothing overly difficult is burdening my heart. I recently have been emerging from a season that was much darker, much more challenging, much more lonely. I think that I thought that once I made it out of the valley that I was in, that everything would fall into place. I would find that exact right guy, I would finally figure out what I wanted to study, and I would feel some real closure in what my past held and be able to reconcile it with my future. However.
I am learning that is not always how God works.
Sometimes, the end of a rainy season is not characterized by a huge, stunning rainbow with a pot of gold at the end, but by a few small buds of hope sprouting up from the ground. And I know this. And I am ok with it. I am living in the okay-ness. I am living in the day to day. The sometimes monotony of getting up and going about my daily routine doing the necessary thing all while waiting on God to show me a little bit more of His plan.
One thing that has been really preoccupying my mind lately is the topic of dating. Or rather, the topic of my not-dating. I am really ok with the fact that I am single right now. I went through a long period of time where I was not single, and I was constantly worrying and running and striving to make things work according to my plan. I was chasing illusions and building castles in the sand.
I was pursuing.
Not my Heavenly Father. Not intimacy with Jesus. But relationships that would never last because they were not built on the Word of God but on the lies of the Enemy.
You have to be prettier.
You should really lose weight so you will be more attractive.
You need to try harder to keep his attention.
You aren’t doing enough.
You need to make this work because this is it.
I know that I am not the only one out there who has been enslaved by lies such as these. Lies that steal, kill, and destroy (John 10:10). Lies that don’t come from our own hearts but from the pits of hell, crafted by the master of deceit and his minions. We all have lies that we have been indoctrinated into believing. We are tortured and water boarded and enslaved by fear until it becomes part of our DNA.
But Jesus.
That is all. All we need. The Bible says that if we cry out to Him, that we will be saved (Romans 10:13). And when I cried out, He delivered tenfold. He brought me out of the pit and set my feet on solid ground (Psalm 40:2).
And now I am here. In this period of waiting and listening and solace. And thinking about relationships. And kind-of-sort-of wanting one.
If we’re being honest here, I don’t like to think about it sometimes. I get all weird feeling and begin to get this absurd notion that I won’t ever find someone who really gets me or wants to be with me because they love who I am and not what I look like or how I dress. I fear that I will end up making the same mistakes that I have in the past, and that I will again have a pursuer’s heart.
Because, for the first time, I realize that I want to be pursued. I want to be found.
Yet, that it was I have always wanted. That is what all women, whether they acknowledge it or not, have desired for all time. Even stubborn Lizzy Bennett wanted Mr. Darcy to pursue her. But for some reason, we have gotten it into our heads that we either A. aren’t worthy of being pursued and desired or B. that the times are different and we just don’t play the game the same way anymore.
Well, I don’t believe it for once second. And neither would Stasi Eldredge.
Staci and her husband John co-authored a book called Captivating, I am reading it in my Core Group Bible study. It is all about what it means to be a woman of God, and how we embrace our feminine heart and mystery without denying our unique and innate inner strength. In a way that can only be described as “anointed”, Stasi (with John occasionally chiming in) writes in a way that cuts through the lies and slander of this world and pierces straight to my heart. She identifies that each of us women have been wounded in some way. We each bear the mark of the fallen world we live in, and because of the Enemy, we each grow up with the stage set for heartbreak. We believe that our vulnerability and femininity and tenderness are a curse and a burden to those around us, so we hide them or disguise them in a false act of bravery and self-assuredness. “The wounds that we have received over our lifetime have not come to us in a vacuum. There is, in fact, a theme to them, a pattern. The wounds you have received have come to you for a purpose form one who knows all you are meant to be and fears you” (Eldredge 75).
While that is certainly not a comforting truth to acknowledge, think about it. The Enemy attacks us because he knows that we are powerful. He knows that women are instrumental, absolutely vital, and one hundred percent needed for life and love to flourish. Think of the great and powerful women of the Bible: Miriam, Sarah, Rahab, Ruth, Esther, Elizabeth, Mary. They were powerful actresses of history, and each of them had stories that were written and redeemed by God. They were regular women with messy pasts and uncertain futures, but they opened their hearts to God and gave Him the reins. When we, as women, open our hearts to Him, He does wonders. Crazy, beautiful wonders.
As I sit here and write, I am listening to some spontaneous worship led by the beautiful ladies of Bethel Music. Amanda Cook just sang this lullaby that she was hearing God whisper over her in the moment.
I have made you beautiful in My Son.
The song of war you’re looking for is a lullaby.
So come in close, lean on Me.
I’m singing softly, but it will chase away the darkness, it will chase away your fear as you lean into Me.
I have made you worthy through My Son.
Your purity is from His blood.
So lean in closer,
‘Cause I’m rewriting your history.
I’m rewriting your history.
I was not expecting to run into this song tonight while writing, but I did. And I know that the Holy Spirit led me here. Because I could never come up with adequate words to describe what it means to be loved by God. What it means to be pursued. What it means to be wanted. What it means to be chosen.
I am pretty blown away right now. It is so cool how God does this. How He takes something that we are going through, and as we are trying to wade through the muck, He just floors us. He whispers that we are no longer our past, and that we are worthy through His son, Jesus. So when I start to worry about being pursued and if I will ever find the right man, and if I am doing any of this right, He says, “Stop worrying. You are fine. But stop striving. Stop trying to be better and more appealing. Because I have already won you completely. I bought you at the ultimate price, and I knock on the door of your heart every day. You don’t need a relationship. You don’t need to feel lonely. Because I am your Father and your Love and I will pursue you to the very ends of the earth and even to the very depths of your heart. So let that be enough.”
Then, He showed me this passage in Isaiah.
But now, O Jacob, listen to the Lord who created you.
O Israel, the one who formed you says,
“Do not be afraid, for I have ransomed you.
I have called you by name; you are mine.
When you go through deep waters,
I will be with you.
When you go through rivers of difficulty,
you will not drown.
When you walk through the fire of oppression,
you will not be burned up;
the flames will not consume you.
For I am the Lord, your God,
the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.
I gave Egypt as a ransom for your freedom;
I gave Ethiopia and Seba in your place.
Others were given in exchange for you.
I traded their lives for yours
because you are precious to me.
You are honored, and I love you.
“Do not be afraid, for I am with you.
I will gather you and your children from east and west.
I will say to the north and south,
‘Bring my sons and daughters back to Israel
from the distant corners of the earth.
Bring all who claim me as their God,
for I have made them for my glory.
It was I who created them.’”
-Isaiah 43:1-7
Read that. And then read it again. And again. As many times as it takes for it to sink in. God chose me. He chose you. He honors us and loves us. He says so, right there! I am just beside myself with that fact. In this moment, sitting in my bed past midnight listening to spontaneous worship and listening to God, I feel pursued. So much so that I don’t know why I ever even worry about being pursued by a guy, when I have the KING OF THE UNIVERSE begging for my heart.
Crazy, right? Yeah.
As I reflect on this night, on the music I am hearing and the Scripture I am reading and on Captivating, I know that all will play out in His timing. I know that He has picked out the perfect match for me, and that everything will work together in His plan. I look forward to that day when I will walk down the aisle in white and exchange vows for forever with my husband. But until then, I will be pursued by God. I will allow Him to romance and pursue me. Wildly and irresponsibly and intimately and passionately.
. . .
Thank you, Father. You are good. Thank you for freedom and purity and for rewriting our histories. Where would we be without You? I never want to know the answer to that question. You pursue us, Your daughters and Your sons. You pull us out of our mess and set us upon a solid ground. You clothe us in white, and You put a new song on our lips. How marvelous You are! Please never stop pursing us, and remind us every day that You are enough. Remind me. Until I find the one You have set aside for me. Until I go to meet You. Until Jesus comes back. Chase us down and surround us with love so thick and wide and deep that we cannot ever escape. Because we don’t want to be anywhere else.
In Your Holy Son’s name,
Amen.
BrokenBeautifulVessels 